still without reasons

When I did this last I thought it’s after a long long time I came up with a thought! Whatever that was.

Today when I post and look back; a greater longer period of time has gone by and it doesn’t even feel anything. Seems like one is capable of experiencing that 'delayed' feeling just once; and that is all. Done for lifetime!

After anything happened, it’s gone forever.

After anything began it was gone.

In history it went away, in future it will go away.

I heard of wastelands, creative block, no wheres, nothings…

Seems like I was happier then…
Seems like I am not as happy as I used to be once.

Seems like petty things have higher impact now.

My creative blog seems to be a personal diary and the thrill of writing so meaningless…

Does anything matter at all! Has anything ever?

I don’t even know five names going back in time in my own family tree!

Once I didn’t care and liked the sharp turns of nature. Seems like that professor wasn’t demeaning us. Seems like he tried showing us the larger share of probability. Seems like he wanted to say, ‘so what you get it right without a calculator!’, all names of higher reputation, similar and small were forgotten. No one from past ever matter.

‘Everything that rises must converge’ features the Handsome family playing it live somewhere in Limerick recently. Somehow that’s the only thing that matters but we all want to be useful. Meaningful. We all thrive to matter. There’s a pursuit to be at the glorious part of probability. It's huge! It's stupid. And clever are those who kept safe and still are on path of glory. We also call them lucky.

People came and people went away and one thing never changed: They came with needs and that was always a normal thing. That also will always be. Yet you started finding reasons in it. You initiated the feeling in yourself that it was special. And you always knew the reality. You always knew in your heart that illusions look special and yet you went for it. You wanted it to be real for you. You just closed your eyes and shut down your senses. You began believing. You hoped. You saw dreams and saw the universe revolving around you.

You don’t feel sad when a show is over. The show however beautiful it was didn’t matter to you after all.You shouldn’t feel sad when what you wished would last; didn’t.

It won’t!
You are a dust. It's a huge universe outside. That won't change.
You don’t matter. No one ever did!

sLeeP-tAlkS.........and those before

Corporate-India was what we were up with; the first day of our pre-placement training classes..........and the man on stage in his sissy gayish english accent.....ho-huming the crap out of us; like as expected as it could be --- "ordinary people prophesying out what they could recognise as smartness"...........and heckk those aurora of unwantedness luckily vanishes out as such people get off stage.
but this time.........

"heyy guys! tell me how do you describe yourself in one word?"
(all of a sudden he popped this to the inactive crowd....maybe just to enhance interaction)

and all i could think was.............."do hell man! not for a duration of some 60 seconds even; can a person be described.............. and then.......what???..... 'in a word!!!!'.....................should we lie now?"

some hundreds of answers came out ironically of the audience anyhow------- confident, leader, honest , friendly, determined, focussed...........and blah blah blah (u can never get smart if engineers are around)...........but myself seated at some really back bench; and all i could sense was that i was slowly falling short of all those one-BiG-words.......
i really didn't wanna cause any mark of disgrace to the fact i just mentioned .......
..........i wanted to outsmart in every possible way and neither could i disregard my perceptions.......
so what came out of me was simply awesome.......maybe it sounds obsessive.....but ya it was awesome
and i didn't say one-BiggiE
rather i said ........... "diFferEnt"...... everyday
outsmarted....(we are good at this)

but hell............this shook me badly thereafter.
why did i fall short of words afterall
why did the question had no answer from me........
why was i confused........
why didn't i know myself?
and is it happening only to me?


nights after night had gone........but no; i didn't forget that question.
and now like no other time but hell whenever the myself spoke to me.....it questioned
just questioned
....and i sleep-wrote (this is a disclosure.......answer to the question when do i write) them somehow
and all i could collect were some more real questions
convergent again and again.......and again
to the simple OnE-thing


Who aM i?
why do i exist?
why am i bewildered all those times when it comes to me?

Am i the only one arguing myself , sleep-writing?
Or am i The Adam daring a hope---

"that i may not be an exception"
and..
you might be my tribe!!
and you might be daunted
just daunted!

am i fake?
displaying this syndrome..
or are you unaware..
of me
and those many; like me...suffering
just suffering.

am i practically existing?
or just a person in dream
most of whose thoughts are lost
the moment he tries hardcopying
just hardcopying.

am i proud of my uniqueness?
or a result of dissatisfaction
or a clueless youngster
just clueless.

am i seeking an answer?
or is it unworthy, just.......unwanted
or am i........assailable
still assailable.

am i one of you?
or do i need.....being pitied
just pitied.


Or

am i about to be the one?
an institution...
of change,
the unseen,
the unimagined,
reding the rest...

bORn
yet not tabooed
just tabooed


"ALL i wish is that i were an automated mechanism producing stuffs on paper while i could recline and sleep-think
just......
yes just sleep-think"

12 o' clock............i forgot the Meridiem

It had to start someday or the other, Ya I was sure of it!! What kept boggling me was what could be the most genuine impulse for this to begin. Was it going to begin with some of those joyous memories gathering out of my days of puerility to post-adolescence at schoolhouse or those from; ofcourse a very few, but those time in life with which all of us desire to stagnate with—those spanned moments of success when I was outstanding a lot of my tribe standing high among jealous and envying from the deepest of their hearts although trying and felicitating……..ohh just leave it.

Some really easy-going people; simple but thoughtful in most truest manner have a view that no Harry can ever be a friend to Sally……

Did a “why” pop ur brain? Then go and watch the movie for the answer…….meanwhile I just have to say that I feel something more general and much more ‘would/could be acceptable’…….amidst the fact that the most accepted are the most debated too.

So as the movie says its untrue for a Harry and a Sally being friends, the sex thing comes in between; I really as I said had a much more generalized thinking to express and that is, “every relation whatever it may be is the worst mistake anyone commits…the SELF thing comes in between”

If you ask me one good reason, I do have one good answer too. Do recall the best ever relation you made; the one person you think you could relate yourself among the best of the best of your relations. Take a pause……..THINK….recall.

I know you do have one…….someone. I know you have an answer. I know you have someone you think you are a relative to and you will tell me that’s not a mistake. ISN’T IT?

A lot of people went through your mind just now……the best of all best!! And in a hurry you successfully compared one against another….and ended over someone whom you did feel was that someone you could bring before me laughing at me telling; “you were not right.”

But what I succeeded in doing now is that you already realised that a lot of relations you just walked over comparing the advantages of your BESTS with shortcomings of the BETTERS; were in one way or the other; mistakes you did make.

That’s what I’m up with. In my short or long whatever run it may be; I did gain from my vicinity that we are all common under a single act; “We choose the best option……be it a thing or a being……….what matters is the SELF, which should win”

I did feel sometimes why thoughts emerged from within me, why did I speak to myself all those time I really needed someone to speak, all those times I compared my relations……..ohh ohh! I mean options.

Among some of those times I decided to note down these talks; but then I feared every time that if I did so I may probably lose the single true person I could talk flawlessly. The things do have a chance to bend from a zone of “no reason” to a desired aim, to be achieved; and I may come to an end “talking to the real me” and gradually compel that hidden, safe and true myself to talk to me whenever I wanted rather than letting him talk whatever he wished to.

So I made a wish; Yes, not a decision but a wish that, “May this all begin without a real cause”, as I too believe that every cause has a definite effect just as every past determines a future.

Amongst all these confusions, I sometimes thought I would start writing some or the other of these themes but if I did so it was again beginning with a cause when suddenly I felt it began that day when I unopened a book where I read stuffs which never saw an end although they seemed to end in words.

The underpage of the same book read, “I can’t speak but my voice resonates in every sip!”

………….So, I guess I have a desire to be that voice.

The moment I say this, I find myself screwed in my own captivity deviating to a purpose as I carefully notice a desire which I always fear but what I am successful still with is; I’m still letting the myself speak whenever he decides.

……………Optimistic? Yes I’m.

but what was this I was writing all this time…………What the hell was it?????

Sometimes for no Reason.....

"Nature never allows sharp turns...” was the voice from the prof; which struck my ears
and dragged me out of my own urbane wonderland where I deliberately reside tired of the
monotony which the real world provides.

Almost in the post-awakened situation, I actually did undergo a sharp turn you see, "from
steadiness of peace to extreme shrillness of the gossips all around in the vicinity" ; gossips those arising from queries of missed out words of the prof's litany, gossips those from last night Prison-break episode and gossips of the assassinations done in the weekend counter-strike session of the most sophisticated and ahead of time weapons.
Oh yes! There were some intellectual discussions too, let me not call them gossips as
the real world acclaims these talks vicariously........and they were the talks from the
early morning newspaper headlines mostly converged to the new superhero, the world was about to accept , "the US president-elect Barack Obama".

The moment I had come out of my world, something was troubling me. I wasn’t pretty sure if the prof-eyes were actually targeting me and I had no cue how to deviate his attention from mine when ultimately I realised that he had caught hold of Vastav, who was endlessly scribbling something in his notebook. The interesting thing was that he was seated immediate ahead of me.

Out of curiosity, rather sarcasm; all of a sudden, upsetting once again the law of nature concerning sharp turns, the class followed a dead silence ending up all intellectual and non-intellectual talks and then a sharp undivided attention was focused on a small area intensifying the situation, and emphasizing the saying that “one is a defaulter only when caught”

The scene to follow was
prof.: so young man, what are you up with? I am sure you aren’t here. Right??
Vastav: sir, actually I was.
prof.: Then probably you would be up with the answer to the question we just ended with, why don't you show me your notebook.

And off course his notebook had no real answers but some very different and amazing combination of alphabets and numbers written together in some very unusual manner.

prof.: where's your calculator?
Vastav: I don’t have one sir, I actually don’t use one.
prof.: So, how are u gonna write the exact answer, I guess you will end up in trigonometric notation possibly losing some marks simply..
Vastav : No sir, give me a minute. The answer is.....

and then what followed was silence within the pre-existing silence, even the hammer strokes from the construction site atleast a few hundred meters could be heard. Alas the answer was correct upto a few digits even after the decimal......
No one was at ease. It was not something regular.
Incidences like this from the real world have kept happening and have been liked as stories but never been allowed being general as what we tend to follow are rules.
The rule "nature never allows sharp turns..".
The question is, "IS IT??"
And the answer is "nature allows all sort of turns actually, but we don’t like sharp turns."
Actually the process of randomness affects our comfortable pre-occupied and established civilized thinking.

Whole night I was boggled with thoughts............afterall what's the reason a badly disturbed person on his way back gets so joyed watching kids at games of twilight.
A simple process of sunrise being poetically made a whole new package by every different poet, the waves breaking at the shore, gushing and noisy but whose noise satiates peace and rest in the soul. The existence of most truthful smiles on the
neediest faces.
The extreme love found in someone, you can’t sometimes define within relations.......SOMETIMES FOR NO REASON.....that's actually the
nature what we keep underestimating; trying to grab it within our liked laws stealthily.

On the other hand the truth actually galores with a huge amount of entropy. Appearing arbitrary to some cannot be ended unrecognised all the time.
The nation deserves betters which refrain travelling the travelled paths, agents of difference, alterers of obsessions.
Randomness of chaotic brains shouldn’t die out in the monotonous run, rather be
carefully observed and sieved.

Early in the morning the other day.........I was still thinking "why do people have to be different from others all the time? Why laws of some have to be followed by all? Why luck has to be a thing? Why the hell we have a word destiny?

God the hell inside me was inflaming at its worst and i really could take no more.......Why? why? why?...a bang on the desk.....and the stuffs scattered in every possible way all around.

Tranquility prevailed.......but i was in the eyes of vicinity

Honestly speaking; if someone asks me what your hobbies are, I know what a tough time we'll have when I begin explicating the sentence, "to unearth my undulating elegant world where the nature actually allows anything...."