if future has a day like this

Certain experiences you can't survive
and afterwards you don't fully exist.
even if you failed to die.
                                                             -Nic Pizzolatto

still without reasons

When I did this last I thought it’s after a long long time I came up with a thought! Whatever that was.

Today when I post and look back; a greater longer period of time has gone by and it doesn’t even feel anything. Seems like one is capable of experiencing that 'delayed' feeling just once; and that is all. Done for lifetime!

After anything happened, it’s gone forever.

After anything began it was gone.

In history it went away, in future it will go away.

I heard of wastelands, creative block, no wheres, nothings…

Seems like I was happier then…
Seems like I am not as happy as I used to be once.

Seems like petty things have higher impact now.

My creative blog seems to be a personal diary and the thrill of writing so meaningless…

Does anything matter at all! Has anything ever?

I don’t even know five names going back in time in my own family tree!

Once I didn’t care and liked the sharp turns of nature. Seems like that professor wasn’t demeaning us. Seems like he tried showing us the larger share of probability. Seems like he wanted to say, ‘so what you get it right without a calculator!’, all names of higher reputation, similar and small were forgotten. No one from past ever matter.

‘Everything that rises must converge’ features the Handsome family playing it live somewhere in Limerick recently. Somehow that’s the only thing that matters but we all want to be useful. Meaningful. We all thrive to matter. There’s a pursuit to be at the glorious part of probability. It's huge! It's stupid. And clever are those who kept safe and still are on path of glory. We also call them lucky.

People came and people went away and one thing never changed: They came with needs and that was always a normal thing. That also will always be. Yet you started finding reasons in it. You initiated the feeling in yourself that it was special. And you always knew the reality. You always knew in your heart that illusions look special and yet you went for it. You wanted it to be real for you. You just closed your eyes and shut down your senses. You began believing. You hoped. You saw dreams and saw the universe revolving around you.

You don’t feel sad when a show is over. The show however beautiful it was didn’t matter to you after all.You shouldn’t feel sad when what you wished would last; didn’t.

It won’t!
You are a dust. It's a huge universe outside. That won't change.
You don’t matter. No one ever did!