sLeeP-tAlkS.........and those before

Corporate-India was what we were up with; the first day of our pre-placement training classes..........and the man on stage in his sissy gayish english accent.....ho-huming the crap out of us; like as expected as it could be --- "ordinary people prophesying out what they could recognise as smartness"...........and heckk those aurora of unwantedness luckily vanishes out as such people get off stage.
but this time.........

"heyy guys! tell me how do you describe yourself in one word?"
(all of a sudden he popped this to the inactive crowd....maybe just to enhance interaction)

and all i could think was.............."do hell man! not for a duration of some 60 seconds even; can a person be described.............. and then.......what???..... 'in a word!!!!'.....................should we lie now?"

some hundreds of answers came out ironically of the audience anyhow------- confident, leader, honest , friendly, determined, focussed...........and blah blah blah (u can never get smart if engineers are around)...........but myself seated at some really back bench; and all i could sense was that i was slowly falling short of all those one-BiG-words.......
i really didn't wanna cause any mark of disgrace to the fact i just mentioned .......
..........i wanted to outsmart in every possible way and neither could i disregard my perceptions.......
so what came out of me was simply awesome.......maybe it sounds obsessive.....but ya it was awesome
and i didn't say one-BiggiE
rather i said ........... "diFferEnt"...... everyday
outsmarted....(we are good at this)

but hell............this shook me badly thereafter.
why did i fall short of words afterall
why did the question had no answer from me........
why was i confused........
why didn't i know myself?
and is it happening only to me?


nights after night had gone........but no; i didn't forget that question.
and now like no other time but hell whenever the myself spoke to me.....it questioned
just questioned
....and i sleep-wrote (this is a disclosure.......answer to the question when do i write) them somehow
and all i could collect were some more real questions
convergent again and again.......and again
to the simple OnE-thing


Who aM i?
why do i exist?
why am i bewildered all those times when it comes to me?

Am i the only one arguing myself , sleep-writing?
Or am i The Adam daring a hope---

"that i may not be an exception"
and..
you might be my tribe!!
and you might be daunted
just daunted!

am i fake?
displaying this syndrome..
or are you unaware..
of me
and those many; like me...suffering
just suffering.

am i practically existing?
or just a person in dream
most of whose thoughts are lost
the moment he tries hardcopying
just hardcopying.

am i proud of my uniqueness?
or a result of dissatisfaction
or a clueless youngster
just clueless.

am i seeking an answer?
or is it unworthy, just.......unwanted
or am i........assailable
still assailable.

am i one of you?
or do i need.....being pitied
just pitied.


Or

am i about to be the one?
an institution...
of change,
the unseen,
the unimagined,
reding the rest...

bORn
yet not tabooed
just tabooed


"ALL i wish is that i were an automated mechanism producing stuffs on paper while i could recline and sleep-think
just......
yes just sleep-think"